How To Be A Shitty Plus One

I am a very lucky girl. I am almost always (okay…always) on the list. However I work for it; I will sometimes take four hours to write a review so I can get into a $10 show for free.

I often have a +1 next to my name, which I love to give to my friends so I can share with them the music, dance floor and live community experience that means so much to me. I also promote heaps of parties and am often hit up for guest list action, sometimes even to shows I have nothing to do with! By and large, almost everyone is gracious, kind and we have a wonderful night; friends always make the evening better.

However…I am sometimes surprised and amused how people ‘thank’ their host for getting them onto the guest list and into a show for free. If you want to make sure that someone never guest lists or “plus ones” you again, follow these ten simple rules:

1. Never say please when asking to be put on someone’s guest list. In fact, never ask- just demand. Scream if at all possible. My two favorites: “GET ME INTO THIS SHOW DAMMIT” and “I can have your extra VIP pass, right?”

2. Be sure to ask to be put on the guest list as late in the day as possible – 10PM the night of the show is fine. Go ahead and demand a plus three for your “very good friends” as well, even though you don’t even know their last names.

3. Beg and harass the promoter to put you on the guest list, and then don’t even bother to show up to the party, much less to say thank you. Ask again the next week.

4. Do you have to meet your host before you can enter the club to go in together? Make sure you are very late. No one minds waiting outside a club and missing half the show so they can get you in for free.

5. Is your host giving you a ride to the party, but the timing doesn’t really suit you? Just say fuck it and make them miss the show altogether. It probably wasn’t going to be that great anyway if it was sold out by 11PM. I’m sure Of Porcelain will play again really soon.

6. Are you a minor? NO PROBLEM! No one ever minds risking arrest, being thrown out of a party or getting their promoter friends in big trouble so you can sneak in. Be sure not to mention that you are underage until you are on the way to the club.

7. Do you have to pay to park at the venue? If the driver who is also getting you into the show for free asks you to share the parking cost, admit that you actually don’t have any cash at all and will also be needing drinks at the bar- isn’t this a “free” night?

8. Are you from out of town? Refuse to wait in line at clubs in LA because you never have to wait in lines back home. Don’t they know who you are?

9. If there is even a hint of trouble at the door, perhaps they don’t see your name right away on the list, immediately pull the bitch card and get snotty with the door person. Pay no attention to the fact that your host probably knows the door person and the promoter, who did them a favor by putting you on the list.

10. Once inside the party, mention how lame it is and then proceed to get as drunk as humanly possible– your host is there to babysit you and to be puked on. This is YOUR night; you’re the plus one so you might as well enjoy it- because you never will be again.

I can’t make this shit up people.

10 Responses to “How To Be A Shitty Plus One”

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha…….

    Always hitting the nail on the head girl

    Now where is my FUCKING VIP PASS!

  2. This is hilarious. I had just posted a similar thing about How not to write a DJ bio and then a friend sent me a link to this post. I totally feel you about the trials of having a +1! There are lots of people who are totally gracious about it, but the few jerkwads out there tend to stick in your memory…

    • dancefever5000 Says:

      OMG this is too funny – I was actually working on a post that was a “generic DJ bio” – so many of them say the same exact stuff “I was musical from an early age” – um no SHIT we all were. Or my favorite are the bios that list everyone the DJ has shared the stage with, all the parties, etc. etc. with NO mention whatsoever of the actual music they play!

      Ha thanks! I am going to share your post! It is spot on with what I was writing – “started playing local parties” and YES the “influences” – always gottta pull out Bjork and soul and funk and shit – and no one is EVER limited by genre these days…. My fav: IGNITING DANCE FLOORS! And they always develop an interest in beats sometime around high school.

      I have written over 100 DJ bios….and god help me I am sure I am guilty of some of this…but lol thanks for the great post! I love that banal bio. And I know several DJs who have gotten into playing out for one reason: GIRLS

      “Words will have to suffice”….. BRAVO! Putting music into words is an impossible challenge…yet I do it every day.

      Thanks for this

    • dancefever5000 Says:

      PS Love the blog – adding it to my blog roll. And here is my latest bio:

      But don’t read the ones I wrote 3 years ago! I’m sure I ignited quite a few dance floors xo

      • Haha, awesome! I’m totally adding you to my blogroll as well. Quality!

        Now that I’ve re-read my thing on DJ bios, it feels a bit BOYZONE (i.e., appearing to be gender-neutral, but really more specific to men). So I think one of us needs to think about how a generic DJ bio for a woman would look. For example, almost no bio for a female DJ goes without using the word “sexy” at least once, and there’s usually more of an emphasis on personality. I suspect that this reveals a lot about how sexism and gender-roles are still very much alive in the EDM industry, so it would be interesting to think the whole thing through in more detail…hmm…

        As for (straight, male) DJs getting into the biz just for TEH GIRLZ, oh boy howdy have I seen a lot of that. If we ever get to meet, I’ve got a lot of absurd, off-the-record stories about that.

        Anyway, keep writing! It’s definitely easier when you do it more often…

  3. […] ust a few days ago, I wrote a satirical-but-I’m-only-half-joking post on “DJ bios,” the marketing strategics that go into them, and the clichés that make them sometimes absurd and unreal. And then, just this morning, a friend of mine sends me a link to another blog, where the author gives tips on “How to be a shitty plus one.” […]

  4. […] this is essentially about the ‘plus one’ a guest can take with him, most of the point being made go for guests in general. Certainly point no. 3 has […]

  5. Nice one! So f***ing true!

  6. I HAVE to share this on our website. Freakin Spot-On! A-mazing piece of journalism right here, ladies n gents.

  7. lahafhafhalhfa this great…so true…hey i have 5 other friends…add them to the glist……hey you know its midnight right …i am not asking to put u on the list….

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