How To Be A Shitty Plus One
I am a very lucky girl. I am almost always (okay…always) on the list. However I work for it; I will sometimes take four hours to write a review so I can get into a $10 show for free.
I often have a +1 next to my name, which I love to give to my friends so I can share with them the music, dance floor and live community experience that means so much to me. I also promote heaps of parties and am often hit up for guest list action, sometimes even to shows I have nothing to do with! By and large, almost everyone is gracious, kind and we have a wonderful night; friends always make the evening better.
However…I am sometimes surprised and amused how people ‘thank’ their host for getting them onto the guest list and into a show for free. If you want to make sure that someone never guest lists or “plus ones” you again, follow these ten simple rules:
1. Never say please when asking to be put on someone’s guest list. In fact, never ask- just demand. Scream if at all possible. My two favorites: “GET ME INTO THIS SHOW DAMMIT” and “I can have your extra VIP pass, right?”
2. Be sure to ask to be put on the guest list as late in the day as possible – 10PM the night of the show is fine. Go ahead and demand a plus three for your “very good friends” as well, even though you don’t even know their last names.
3. Beg and harass the promoter to put you on the guest list, and then don’t even bother to show up to the party, much less to say thank you. Ask again the next week.
4. Do you have to meet your host before you can enter the club to go in together? Make sure you are very late. No one minds waiting outside a club and missing half the show so they can get you in for free.
5. Is your host giving you a ride to the party, but the timing doesn’t really suit you? Just say fuck it and make them miss the show altogether. It probably wasn’t going to be that great anyway if it was sold out by 11PM. I’m sure Of Porcelain will play again really soon.
6. Are you a minor? NO PROBLEM! No one ever minds risking arrest, being thrown out of a party or getting their promoter friends in big trouble so you can sneak in. Be sure not to mention that you are underage until you are on the way to the club.
7. Do you have to pay to park at the venue? If the driver who is also getting you into the show for free asks you to share the parking cost, admit that you actually don’t have any cash at all and will also be needing drinks at the bar- isn’t this a “free” night?
8. Are you from out of town? Refuse to wait in line at clubs in LA because you never have to wait in lines back home. Don’t they know who you are?
9. If there is even a hint of trouble at the door, perhaps they don’t see your name right away on the list, immediately pull the bitch card and get snotty with the door person. Pay no attention to the fact that your host probably knows the door person and the promoter, who did them a favor by putting you on the list.
10. Once inside the party, mention how lame it is and then proceed to get as drunk as humanly possible- your host is there to babysit you and to be puked on. This is YOUR night; you’re the plus one so you might as well enjoy it- because you never will be again.
I can’t make this shit up people.